Play Party Etiquette
Estimated Reading Time: 12 minutes
Definition
Play party etiquettes are the behavioral expectations that keep play spaces safe, respectful, and functional. They ensure everyone can participate without disruption, harm, or unwanted interference.
Prerequisites
Explanation
Before you go to your first play party, the best way to be prepared is by understanding some basic play party etiquettes. The goal is a space where people can fully engage in their experiences without fear of interruption, judgment, or harm. To be able to do that, you'll want to know some things ahead of time.
But what do I wear?!
First, check if your event has a theme or specific dress code. Themes can help give you inspiration and you may know exactly what to wear just by reading their event description. If there is no theme, wear whatever makes you feel best.
You could wear lingerie, a kilt, fishnets, body paint, latex, leather, cat ears and tail, or nothing at all! There are many different styles of fetish gear to choose from, and over time, you can try them all. Nudity is typically allowed, but you should verify beforehand just to make sure.
If all of that sounds too intimidating, it really isn't necessary. If you're a t-shirt and jeans kind of person, and that's what makes you feel best, then go with that. Be yourself.
The key is that you feel confident.
Composure
Some places allow alcohol, and you will need to heavily monitor yourself as either Top or bottom. As a bottom, alcohol can cloud your judgement and make it more dangerous for any type of play involving pain or other strong sensations, and as the Top, your bottom’s life may literally be in your hands. The play we do is already dangerous enough without alcohol adding another layer.
Consent
Here is your regular reminder to get permission to touch people and their things. In a play party environment, getting permission to touch people and their items holds weight in some new ways. Not only is it rude to touch people's things without permission, but toys could be fluid bonded and have gotten semen or blood on them. They could also have a spiritual connection or spells put on them that someone else touching the item will ruin.
If items are in the way and need to be moved, handle them as minimally and respectfully as you are able. Make sure to store your own items out of the way.
Respecting the Space
This is a space where people come to exist without judgment. Kink shaming, even subtly, will make you unwelcome rather quickly. You don’t have to understand everything you see, but you do have to respect that others have chosen it, and that it is within their risk profiles to do so.
If you are genuinely concerned a scene is unsafe, go to the host, Dungeon Monitor, or venue owner. Do not intervene directly unless there is a clear violation of consent, such as a clearly stated safeword being ignored.
Dungeon monitors play different roles depending on where you are located and on your event. If your event is a small private event, Dungeon Monitors (or DMs) can help you similarly to the hosts, and are there to help watch and monitor scenes. If it is a big, public event or convention, the DMs are there to make sure rules are being followed, tell you where the bathroom or sanitation supplies are, keep pathways clear, and are not there to watch or intervene with scenes.
Be aware that some scenes, such as CNC or scenes where the bottom is crying, may look intense but have been negotiated in advance. This is one reason to let designated monitors or hosts handle concerns.
There is often a “House safeword” that is a safeword you can use in the space that everyone will recognize, know that a scene has gone too far, and needs to stop. “Red” and “safeword” are common House safewords. If you do a CNC scene and your safeword is different from the House safeword or “red”, you need to let a nearby monitor know so that they do not stop your scene. If you plan a more intense scene, it is a nice courtesy to give a bit of a warning to those nearby watching.
If something makes you uncomfortable, quietly remove yourself. Do not interrupt scenes or create a disturbance.
Do not disturb people playing
Do not talk about the sandwich you had at lunch or your freshly signed divorce papers next to people playing. Do not talk loudly enough that they can even hear you. There is usually an area you can go to socialize and have those conversations away from play. Hearing about someone’s drama at work right next to you can ruin your experience. It can be really difficult to be able to get into subspace, and these events are the only time that some people get to play like this.
Scenes are not interactive. If someone needs an assist for some reason mid scene, and asks for your help, help in the way they need, and then go back to just being an observer. Do not assume this to be an invitation to join the rest of the scene. On the other hand, if you are playing and want crowd participation, say so at the beginning of your scene so that they know it is interactive. Do not require unexpected crowd participation, and respect the boundaries of the individuals in the crowd.
Respect their space. Do not crowd scenes or walk through active areas, especially where implements are in use. If you’re stuck in a spot, stay put and observe until it’s safe to move.
Rope scenes are still scenes. Do not disturb people tying, including self-tiers, unless they said it was fine before they began.
Do not interrupt people in aftercare stages. Aftercare is still part of the scene. This can look like people cuddled up. If they are not making contact with anyone outside of each other, do not interrupt them.
Do not approach anyone in aftercare stages and ask "you next". Give them time to come back out of their scene.
Playing with others
One of the biggest advantages of this community is the ability to vet the people you play with. Vetting is a common safety system in place in the kink community. Ask around about the person you are interested in. Ask about their character, play style, and how they handle responsibility. Ask mutual friends. Ask the host. Ask people you watch them play with. Ask people giving them the stink eye.
Get feedback before you start playing with someone otherwise you will not listen. More than anything, trust your gut instincts. If you are extremely anxious, listen to that feeling. Do not blow it off because someone else thinks they are awesome.
Just because someone you know and trust plays with someone does not automatically mean that they will be a good match for you. Everyone plays differently with everyone, and not every skill transfers across kinks. Someone being great at one thing does not automatically make them safe or compatible for another.
Doing scenes
I highly recommend you don’t do scenes at first. Observe. Watch and learn. Make friends. See how people play. See what scenes and toys catch your interest most. Go slow. Crawl. Snail pace. Slow savoring and safety first. You don't want to hit burnout levels right off the bat.
When you are ready to start playing: check out the space.
Find where to appropriately store your items, and then find a spot to play. If someone is using the space, camp out nearby and watch surrounding scenes until they are done. Do not interrupt them to ask if you can use their spot next.
Do not hoard play equipment. If there is only one suspension ring and you have three suspensions planned, you will need to share the ring with others that may also want to use it at the event. Same goes for crosses, spanking benches, and whatever other equipment there may be. Sharing is caring.
When you are done playing, pick up your items and sanitize your area. There should pretty much always be a way to sanitize your area nearby play stations. If your event is a volunteer based event, donating sanitation supplies that everyone that plays uses is a nice way to give back to your community.
Move elsewhere for your aftercare so people can use the equipment.
Safety & Support
You may see more than you expect at your first event. Asking ahead about what typically happens in a space can help you prepare.
If you think you may need support, establish a safety person before attending. If the event requires a sponsor, that is your safety person. Talk to them about your concerns and ask questions ahead of time.
If you choose your own, make sure they agree to that role. Otherwise, they may be occupied, and you could end up without support when you need it.
