Munch Etiquette
Estimated Reading Time: 11 minutes
Definition
Munch etiquettes are the social rules of a munch in place to protect people’s privacy, boundaries, and overall experience. If you remember consent, discretion, and “time and place,” you’re already most of the way there.
Prerequisite
Explanation
We are going to go over some baseline behaviors of munch etiquette that allows munches to function as safe, respectful community spaces. They center on consent, discretion, and being aware that not everyone around you is part of the scene.
But what do I wear??
Dress appropriately for the setting. Munches are supposed to be held in vanilla spaces, and not everyone present has consented to being part of anything kink-related.
Wearing obvious fetish gear in a public venue can put others at the table at risk, even if that was not the intent. Someone else’s privacy could be impacted simply by being seen nearby without context. The people at the table already know why they are there; there is no need to visually broadcast it to everyone else in the room. There will be plenty of spaces where that kind of expression is welcomed and appropriate. Munches are about connection and community, not presentation. Time and place.
Be aware of the muggles
Be conscious of and considerate to those around you. Munches are supposed to take place in public vanilla settings, and there may be children at a table next to you. Be aware of the volume you are speaking, and what the topic is about. Be respectful and patient with the staff helping you. Think of it like the wizarding world and you are surrounded by muggles. Not even the most evil villain would out another wizard, right? We also need to be respectful so they will let us back. It can be difficult finding kink friendly spaces to hold munches.
Composure
Do not show up drunk or high. Often munches are a stepping stone to get into a more private event that you need to meet the people running it to get into. If you get buck wild and make a fool of yourself when you first meet them in this setting, your chances of getting into their other events pretty much goes away. Word spreads, too.
Non-Consensual Touching
The standard for consent is higher in kink spaces. Consent is required for all forms of physical interaction, including physical contact and handling personal items. You need to get permission before you initiate any physical contact. This includes hugs, touching clothing, hair, or belongings.
Some individuals may be part of dynamics where touch carries additional meaning, while others may simply prefer not to be touched at all. Boundaries are not visible, which is why consent must always come first. One of the reasons kink spaces can feel safer than many vanilla environments is the shared understanding that touch is never assumed.
If this sounds complicated, "asking" for permission to shake someone’s hand can be as simple as holding your hand out and offering. Try not to overthink that part. Mostly don’t do things like give anyone a random massage while you are sitting at the table or put your hand in the small of anyone’s back while you pass by. Those kinds of things are what are would be an issue.
Outing
One of the most important things in kink, along with consent, is not to out others. “Outing” is letting anyone who does not already know (whether they are kinky or not) that someone else is kinky (whether intentional or not). Reasons could be due to potential loss of friends, family, job, custody, home, or a number of other things. It is not something to take lightly, and can happen by accident quite easily.
More people than not use a scene name to go by rather than their real name. If you see someone you know at a munch, do not call them by their actual name. Ask them what they are going by, and do not bring up any personal topics outside of kink.
Gender Pronouns
Many people within the community may identify differently than expected, may not identify with a gender at all, or may experience fluidity over time. Asking for and using correct pronouns is a basic level of respect. Mistakes happen, but consistent misgendering is disrespectful. When a slip occurs, correct it, acknowledge it briefly, and move on without making it a larger situation.
Personal Topics
There are certain personal topics that are bad form to ask about. Some of them are: people’s real names, what type of work they do or the name of their work, and kids. Things along those lines.
Photos
Taking photos of others without the explicit consent of every person in the photo, including in the background, is pretty universally unacceptable in kink spaces. To be safe, you probably just don’t want to take any photos at your first munch unless there is a specific reason you would be and the host has approved.
Acceptance
Discrimination is not tolerated well here. In kink communities, effort is invested into people feeling welcome, seen, and to provide an environment where they have the ability to be comfortable enough to be themselves when we have to mask in the vanilla world.
As long as everything is consensual, informed, no one is being pressured, and safety factors are being taken into account (to the satisfaction of the risk profiles of the parties involved, not to your standard), then there is no reason to shame here. No kink, body, ethnicity, age, ability, religion, skill, status, role, or any other type of shaming.
The freedom to be yourself is part of what makes kink so wonderful, and you can only be yourself when you feel accepted. That means you also need to practice acceptance.
Vetting
Munches are a good way to meet up with other kinky strangers. You are in a public space so you are not alone with them, the other kinksters may know something about them, or be able to help you “read” them a bit if not.
If you meet another attendee at the munch you are interested in, ask other attendees about them, and ask the host about their character. The more people you can ask the better because every single person will have a different experience. Vetting is a normal and common part of kink, and if someone has an issue with you doing this, then you should be concerned about why.
More than anything else, trust your instincts. Even if people are telling you how great someone is, but it feels off, trust yourself over anyone else.
Pro Tip-vet people before you get involved with them, otherwise you won't listen.
Words of advice for the nervous novice
From my experience, there are typically about three types of folks that go to munches.
- There are the people running the munch that are there to welcome you.
- There are the regulars that attend the events held by the group that want to hang, socialize, & help welcome the new people.
- And then there are, of course, all the new people, who are all just as anxious as the next.
You will not be alone in how nervous you are. You will be among like-minded people in several ways. Getting your foot in the door is the worst part. You will feel relieved soon after, and you will realize...we're all just people, same as you.
Pro Tip
If the group hosts are not welcoming, then I recommend you bounce. If you don't feel like you should be there, then they have honestly done you a favor. You can now decide if that is the type of environment you would like to participate in or not.
You are interviewing them as much as vice versa.
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