Etiquette
Estimated Reading Time: 9 minutes
Definition
In kink spaces, there are shared behavioral expectations that help keep people safe and respected. Etiquette here isn't about being “proper”, it’s about preventing harm and making the environment as functional as possible for everyone involved.
Explanation
When the reason etiquette is so important is because we are trying to keep people safe, it should not be a guessing game. Clear expectations set people up for success.
Each venue and group will have its own expectations and rules. Do not assume. Learn the rules of every space you enter. When the events are in an area where kink is not publicly legalized, understand that people are allowed to run their homes and events however they choose, even when those choices are not ones you agree with. You cannot control who hosts events, what rules they set, or who they allow to attend. What you can control is whether you choose to be there.
Consent
Consent is the foundation of kink. Without it, what we do becomes harm. Every interaction requires clear, informed consent. This community can often feel safer than many “vanilla” spaces because that standard is taken very seriously here. Do not assume behaviors that might be tolerated elsewhere are acceptable here. Check out consent frameworks for more information.
No means no
“No” means no. Try to accept it graciously, and not take it as an insult. It is likely not meant as one, and it can be difficult for people to say. A respectful response to rejection encourages honest communication and helps create an environment where people feel safe saying both yes and no.
Saying no is one of the most important skills to develop so that can help you keep yourself safe-r. Practice saying no if this is something that is difficult for you. Bar blow offs absolutely have their time and place if you are in a risky situation you need to get out of, but if it is your go-to, you may be putting your future self into this same situation to deal with again.
Other’s privacy
Intentional outing is one of the quickest ways to get yourself banned. Protect other people’s privacy. Use scene names at events if you know their real name, and never connect someone’s kink identity to their public life. If you see someone outside of a kink space, you do not know them in that context. Friends you may know on Fet? No, you don’t. Outing someone, even unintentionally, can have serious real-world consequences. People could lose their friends, family, custody battles, jobs, and homes. Outing someone by accident is easier than you might think.
Ask before you touch
Do not touch anyone without permission. This includes casual contact, hugs, touching clothing or hair, picking up someone else’s gear, and even handshakes. Boundaries exist for many reasons, including personal comfort and relationship dynamics. Always ask first.
Pronouns
People are encouraged to be themselves in the kink community, and that reflects in how we use our pronouns. Use the correct pronouns that someone has asked you to use. Mistakes happen, but effort and correction matter. Intentional disrespect is not acceptable in these spaces.
Pet names
Babygirl, sugar, love, Daddy, Sir, and other pet names are only to be used if given explicit consent. These are terms that are often used as official titles in dynamics. If you do not have an official dynamic in some way with the person you are speaking to, you probably should not be using title names with them. It can be seen as if you are assuming a dynamic, and some will not take very kindly to it.
Photos
This goes along with no outing other’s personal privacy. Do not take photos or videos without the explicit consent of every single person involved, including those in the background. Be mindful that even small details can identify someone. Never share kink-related images or identities on other platforms without clear permission.
Sexualizing others
Yes, this is a kink platform. Yes, there are actual people with feelings on the kink platform. Do not project your fantasies blindly onto others. Have a conversation with them and develop them together. People are not kink dispensers, and they appreciate being treated like people.
Own it
If you mess up, own up to it, apologize, and correct the behavior to prevent it from happening again to best move forward. Everyone makes mistakes. How you handle a mess up will often matter as much as the mess up.
If you don't know something, say so. You will never be able to learn if you can't admit what you don't know, and you might be surprised how many people love sharing what they've learned.
Conclusion
Violating most of these points will likely get you removed from event/s or a community from an extended period of time or permanently. Be conscious of these guidelines.
Thank you and welcome to kink!
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