Aftercare
Estimated Reading Time: 12 minutes
Definition
Aftercare is the purposeful mental and physical support you give each other immediately after a scene to help gradually bring everyone back down to baseline. This can include water, sugar, warmth, touch, reassurance, or whatever it is that each individual person needs in order to return to their typical normal.
Explanation
Aftercare Is Part of the Scene
When we play in BDSM, we call that period of time a scene. A scene is made up of several components, and aftercare is the final piece that happens once play has ended. It is still part of the scene, and it is not an afterthought. Your scene is not over until your negotiated aftercare is finished.
Scenes should not end abruptly. There should be a known method so both people understand that play is coming to a close. This allows the bottom to mentally prepare for the scene ending, and allows the Top to shift from an intense, adrenaline-fueled headspace into an attentive aftercare mindset. This might look like a countdown, a final set number of hits in an impact scene, or a gradual reduction in intensity similar to a cool-down period. Whatever is appropriate for you and your scene.
Altered Headspaces and the Comedown
During a scene, all sorts of chemicals are released in the brain. These can give the bottom a floaty, fuzzy, loopy feeling similar to being drunk or on painkillers. This feeling is called subspace.
Tops often experience an adrenaline high that makes them feel focused, sharp, and intensely present. This altered headspace is often called topspace.
Aftercare is the intentional shift out of these altered states.
Physical Effects After Play
Once play has fully stopped, the body often reacts in predictable ways. Body temperature can drop, sugar levels can be low, and hydration is often needed. Endorphins use up a lot of sugar, and many people start to feel cold, shaky, or tired once those chemicals begin to wear off.
Because of this, common aftercare needs include blankets, water, snacks or candy, warmth, and comfort items.
Emotional Needs and Personal Preferences
Different people need different things. Some people want cuddling or skin contact, which can help release oxytocin and allow for a more gradual comedown. Others may prefer to receive aftercare from someone outside of the scene, from a comfort object rather than a person, or to be left alone entirely.
Some Tops do not offer cuddly aftercare unless they are in a dynamic with the person they played with. This does not make them a bad Top, as long as this was clearly communicated and negotiated beforehand.
Tops may need aftercare as well. Tops were not always considered when discussing aftercare, and this is a newer concept. They may need reassurance, grounding, or emotional support after a scene, especially after intense play.
If you are new and do not know what you will need yet, that is okay. Start by preparing for the physical needs your body will likely have, such as water, sugar, warmth, and a place to sit and relax
Aftercare and Drop
A slow comedown during aftercare also helps to mitigate drop. When we play in our scenes, lots of feel-good chemicals are released in the brain that create a natural high. During play, you use up a large portion of those chemicals. In the following days, the sadness or emotional low that can occur from that temporary depletion is called drop.
While aftercare cannot always prevent drop, skipped or poorly handled aftercare can make drop more intense.
Public Spaces and Scene Etiquette
If you are in a public play space, clean up your area and move elsewhere for aftercare so the space can be used by others. Do not disturb others when they are still in their aftercare stages. Let them be. Let them enjoy their buzz and their comedown.
As clarified earlier, aftercare is still part of the scene. We do not disturb people mid-scene, and we do not disturb them during aftercare either.
Follow-Up and Check-Ins
During negotiation, you should also discuss whether there will be any check-ins in the following days. Do not expect check-ins if they were not negotiated.
If follow-ups were agreed upon, both parties need to follow through. Even if a bottom feels fine, honoring that agreement may be part of the Top’s aftercare.
Pro Tip
As a Top, you may want feedback about the scene right away. While you are cuddled up after play can feel like the perfect time to ask how everything went, this is often not ideal.
If the bottom entered subspace, they may still be floaty. Asking detailed or analytical questions can pull them out of that headspace too quickly.
Many people also need time, and sometimes time alone, to fully process what they experienced. You will usually get clearer and more accurate feedback after drop has passed rather than immediately after the scene.
Homework
If you have never done a scene before and are unsure what you will need for aftercare, take some time to think about:
- what comforts you when you are sick
- how your body reacts when you get blood drawn
- how you behave after intense physical or emotional experiences
Make a mental note, write a list, or put together an aftercare kit.
Aftercare Kit
It can be helpful to make an aftercare kit for yourself that you can prepare ahead of time and keep ready if you go to events frequently. Some suggestions that you could include in your kit are:
- Water bottle
- Sugar or food items with a longer shelf life
- Blanket or jacket, stuffed animal
- Fresh panties or change of clothes
- Comfy socks, shoes, or slippers
- Vape, cigar, lighter
- Personal medications
- Arnica gel (for bruising)
- Glasses case, contacts case, eye drops
- Hair tie and brush
- Ear plugs, headphones, eye mask
- Safety shears (even if you do not do rope)
Just in case you need a bag to put your supplies in, here is a link to my collection of tote and zippered pouch bag sets.
