Learning to Vet
Estimated Reading Time: 8 minutes
Definition
Learning to vet is important when entering kink spaces because you are often unfamiliar with the people, environments, dynamics, and risks involved. It is not about eliminating all risk. It is about slowing down, asking questions, observing behavior, building support networks, and learning your own comfort levels and risk profile.
Prerequisite
Slow Down
Kink can be incredibly exciting when you are new, which can make it easy to move faster than you should. You should not rush into scenes, dynamics, vulnerability, or intense experiences immediately although you may really, really be tempted to.
Good vetting takes time. Take time to learn the environment you are stepping into, observe the people around you, ask questions, and figure out your own comfort levels first. There will almost always be more opportunities later. Please pace yourself.
You need to vet before you become involved with people. It becomes much harder to think critically once strong emotional attachment, excitement, or dependency are already involved.
A lot of people enter kink wanting to experience everything all at once and end up overwhelmed, hurt, isolated, burned out, or in situations they were not actually ready for. Slowing down gives you more opportunities to ask questions, notice red flags, build support networks, and make decisions from a clearer headspace. For more on this specifically, see the page on burnout.
Meet Publicly & Observe First
Before putting yourself in vulnerable situations with new people, try meeting publicly first when possible. Munches, classes, parties, restaurants, parks, coffee shops, and many other public spaces give you opportunities to learn about people before immediately putting your safety in their hands.
Public spaces also make it easier to ask questions, get second opinions, and learn the overall vibe of a group or person before becoming isolated one-on-one. Reminder that watching behavior matters more than many people realize. Pay attention to how people treat others, handle boundaries, and carry themselves when they are not actively trying to impress someone.
Ask Questions
You are allowed and encouraged to ask questions before deciding whether or not to put yourself in vulnerable situations with someone. If someone gets defensive or deflects from answering, that is a bad sign to heavily take into consideration before proceeding.
You can ask questions like where they learned from, how long they have been involved, what their experience level is, how they approach safety, negotiation, aftercare, risk factors, and what their intentions are with you. One of my favorite questions is asking what happened when something went wrong in a scene. It happens to everyone at some point. How accidents and mistakes are handled matter.
Questions you ask should match the type of interaction you are considering. Questions for a casual pickup play scene may be very different from questions you would ask someone you are considering entering a long-term dynamic, relationship, or ongoing play partnership with.
Experience and skill are not always the same thing. Someone can sound confident, be popular, or call themselves experienced while still lacking important safety knowledge, communication skills, or self awareness. Asking questions helps you make more informed decisions about whether someone and the type of play they are offering fits within your own risk profile.
Trust Your Instincts
If something feels off, pay attention to that feeling instead of trying to talk yourself out of it. I cannot stress this enough.
A lot of newer people ignore their instincts because someone is experienced, respected, attractive, popular, or well liked by others. You do not need a perfectly explainable reason to slow down, ask more questions, leave a situation, or say no. Sometimes your brain notices problems before you can fully put them into words. Trust your body. Trust your instincts. Trust yourself.
Support Networks & Saying No
Having support networks is incredibly important when learning to vet, and then forever after that. Talk to multiple people, make friends, and give yourself people you can bounce things off of instead of relying entirely on one person for information, guidance, validation, or community. Do not allow yourself to be isolated.
You need to be able to say no.
No to scenes. No to dynamics. No to vulnerability when uncalled for. No to people who pressure, overwhelm, isolate, or make you uncomfortable. Being able to say no when you mean it is one of the most important safety tools you have. For more on this specifically, see the page on Mastering Your No. I think it is one of the most important skills you can have, and is the very base starting point for, well, everything.
Homework
Read Mastering Your No.
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