Vetting Organizers & Community Leaders
Estimated Reading Time: 9 minutes
Definition
Organizers, educators, hosts, and community leaders should be vetted just like anyone else. Running a group, teaching a class, or holding authority within a community does not automatically make someone safe, ethical, knowledgeable, or trustworthy. Learning how to evaluate leadership, behavior, motivations, and the environments people create can help you make more informed decisions about which spaces and people fit within your own risk profile.
Prerequisites
Vetting Organizers & Community Leaders
A lot of people vet attendees while forgetting to vet the people running the space itself.
There is no qualification required to host a party, run a group, teach a class, or create a community. Anyone can do it.
That does not automatically make someone dangerous. But it also does not automatically make them trustworthy.
Some leaders genuinely care deeply about education, safety, accessibility, and building healthy community spaces. Some are passionate about sharing knowledge. Some want to create the kind of environment they wish they had when they were newer.
Others may be more interested in status, control, popularity, money, access, social influence, or cultivating dependency.
The difficult part is that many of these people can initially look very similar.
Some people invest every ounce of their energy into curating the image they want others to see. Some are extremely good at it. Entire communities can be convinced someone is wonderful because they have only experienced the version being intentionally presented to them.
That is why vetting should never rely on a single source.
Questions to Ask Yourself About Group Leaders
When meeting or vetting a new-to-you organizer, educator, or community leader, ask yourself questions like:
(Though a lot of these are also good questions to ask yourself about people in general.)
Motivation & Intent
Why are they leading a group?
What are they getting out of all of the effort they are putting in?
Does their passion show? Can you feel genuine interest in what they are teaching or creating? Is their goal to share knowledge, or mainly to be admired, desired, or obeyed?
Do they seem invested in community building, or mainly in attention?
Humility & Knowledge
Can they admit what they do not know?
Are they open about their limitations and biases?
Do they continue learning themselves?
Do they encourage learning from multiple sources, or act like they alone have the answers?
Do they empower newer people, or make them feel small and inadequate?
Do they have patience for people learning?
Are they willing to say:
“I don’t know.”
That matters more than many people realize.
Social Behavior
Do they treat you with kindness?
Do they make people feel welcome or judged?
Are they respectful toward people whose kinks, identities, dynamics, or interests differ from their own?
Do they constantly gossip, create conflict, or seem to always be in the middle of drama?
Do they speak respectfully about people when those people are not present?
Do they treat experienced people differently than inexperienced people?
Do they consistently use subtle social manipulation or passive-aggressive behavior?
Isolation & Fast Attachment
Are they almost too nice?
Over-the-top praise, intense emotional connection immediately, excessive compliments, or making you feel uniquely special very quickly.
Sometimes this is genuine enthusiasm.
Sometimes it is love bombing.
Do they try to immediately pair you off with specific people? Push you rapidly toward play? Encourage dependency? Discourage outside opinions? Act as though their group alone is trustworthy?
Healthy communities usually encourage support networks, outside friendships, and multiple perspectives.
Isolation is rarely a good sign.
Community Relationships
What kinds of people surround them?
Are they welcome in other spaces?
Do they collaborate respectfully with other groups, or spend most of their time policing, attacking, or obsessing over other communities?
Are attendees encouraged to explore, learn broadly, and make informed decisions, or subtly pressured to stay within only their circle?
Do they allow known abusive behavior to continue unchecked?
Do they actually enforce their own posted rules and etiquette?
Event Environment
What is the overall vibe of their space?
Relaxed? Strict? Educational? Party-focused? Quiet? Chaotic? Welcoming? Elitist? Beginner-friendly? Accessibility conscious? LGBTQ+/trans friendly?
Does that environment match your personal risk profile?
Not every space is for every person.
And that is okay.
