Mastering Your No
Estimated Reading Time: 15 minutes
Definition
Mastering Your No is the ability to confidently say yes and no in alignment with what you actually want, rather than out of pressure, fear, or obligation. It is a core boundary skill that protects your safety, preserves your energy, and leads to more intentional, honest, and fulfilling experiences.
Explanation
In kink we talk about consent, a lot. Consent is one of the most important parts of kink to keep play from becoming harmful, but it has almost become a buzz word. We can talk about consent until we are blue in the face, but it will get us nowhere if we don’t also know how to, and how not to, actually provide that consent.
Saying no can be a really difficult thing to do for a lot of people, especially kind people, but not saying no often enough can leave us overcommitted, being afraid of hearing it will also make us fear asking in the first place so that we don’t appear needy or bothersome, but being able to say no is a superpower. Being able to say yes and no when you mean it can put you in more situations that you actually want to be in, and less you don’t. You will have much better and overall safer experiences.
If you are entirely unable to say no in a kink environment, then it might be too dangerous for you to play. So let’s start at the beginning with practicing saying no.
Zoe Chance’s “No” Challenge
Zoe Chance is a behavioral scientist, professor, and author of the bestselling book Influence Is Your Superpower, which explores how influence can be used ethically and effectively, with a strong emphasis on consent, autonomy, and empowering others rather than manipulating them. I will be paraphrasing some of her work on how to say no from her book, adapted into my own words and applied to this context.
Practice saying no.
Zoe started with her own Saying No challenge for 30 days, but she challenges her students to try it for at least 24 hours. Say no to everything. Say no to meeting up for coffee. Say no to helping your friend move. Say no to your mom trying to change your plans. Say no to donating your change at the fastfood restaurant. Say no to the waiter that brought out the wrong food. Say no to playing therapist for a friend. Say no to picking up more hours at work. Say no to doing a favor for a neighbor. Say no to going out too late. Say no to making plans.
You can say yes when it is needed of course, but very seriously consider it before you do. Don’t ruin your life over this and say no if you get proposed to or get a promotion at work.
Say no. Then watch.
How do you feel? How did other people react? What did you really want to say yes to? Don’t worry if you think you made the wrong decision, you are allowed to change your mind, but you have to start with no to expand both your comfort zone and your power.
This isn’t an excuse to say no to guilty pleasures, it is not intended to be lent, but do say no even to your inner circle, even if you want to, even to small things. It is intended to be about being kind to yourself, and actually allowing yourself to take up space.
Examples Scenarios
If you don’t seem sure when you respond, they may be more persistent in asking again. Perceived confidence in your answer does make a difference. No, is a full answer, and try not to feel like you need to overexplain, but there will be times you may feel you need to provide more of a response. Here are some examples.
- You can say you are doing this challenge to help make it easier to say no.
- A stranger asks you to meet for coffee. You already have a full life and schedule, so you could say, “Thanks, I wish I had time for invites like this, but my schedule is already full."
- A friend invites you to an event, and you would go if you could. “Thanks for asking, and I would love to do that with you another time.”
- A family member asks you to lend them money or invest in a business venture. “Sorry, but I just don’t mix business and friendship.” Stating that your reason for saying no is part of a policy can make it easier, but setting a policy does require applying it consistently.
- Someone trying to sell you on something, but you have no interest. “Thanks, but I’m not interested.” If they are persistent you can remove the warmth, “The answer is no, and that is not going to change.”
- Someone is interested romantically that you do not feel the same way. “My intuition is no.” If they ask why, “It is a gut feeling, and I always listen to those.”
You might be tempted to tell white lies to get out of it, but you will do better to say less instead. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Writer E.B. White would decline most invitations due to social anxiety, but his mental health was not their business so when he would respond to decline he would decline “for secret reasons.”
Givers, Takers, and Matchers
Givers are both the most successful, and the least successful people. A major difference between the givers at the top and the givers at the bottom is how they handle boundaries. To quote Adam Grant from his book Give and Take, “Instead of trying to help all the people all the time with all the requests, successful givers reserved their generosity for givers and matchers, they block out time to get their work done, and they help in ways that energize them and make a unique contribution.”
Givers who don’t learn to say no will be sucked dry and are easy prey. When they get burnt out, they don’t start saying no, but instead give themselves additional tasks like adding meditation or journaling. They will not get enough time, sleep, or energy to think clearly. There can be many reasons givers chronically say yes. A primary concern is other people’s feelings, but there is also fear of missing out, you might get a favor back in return, and a lot of people really just want to help and protect others.
Here are some questions to think about. What will saying yes cost you? If you say yes to this, what will you have to say no to later? But if you say no now, what could you say yes to later?
Without setting boundaries, your kindness will strip you of your energy and strength in many ways. Don’t be the person who keeps it together on the outside while running yourself into the ground underneath and eventually lashing out. Don’t ignore what you know is right for you just to keep someone else happy.
Hidden Benefits
Now that we can handle saying no better, we will be able to handle hearing no better. Now that we have inside knowledge that we mean no ill will to the people we have been saying no to, it is easier to recognize that the people saying no to us probably also have no ill will towards us. It probably doesn’t even have anything to do with us.
A hidden benefit of saying no is that it also gives permission to those around us to say no as well. Most times when people are asking something of you, that is all they are intending to do, is ask. That is why it is in the form of a question. They are giving you the opportunity to say yes or no. They understand the answer may be no and that you may be unable to do it, and they are okay with that.
The Pain of Rejection
Rejection can cause physical pain. A study done by Naomi Eisenberger showed the brain registering rejection in the same areas that register physical pain through an fMRI scanner during a study of a basketball game where they stopped passing the ball to one of the players. I don’t want to minimize how much rejection can hurt. However, we can condition ourselves for bravery by facing rejection.
Zoe was a door-to-door salesman for a summer in college. She was not shy, but the thought of knocking on people’s doors and asking for money is still really scary. She knocked on the first door, said her spiel, and was politely told, “No, thank you”, and the door was closed on her. She did not die when she was told no. Not of embarrassment, nor of rejection. She had faced something really scary and lived to do it again! Instead of feeling like a total loser, she felt empowered. She knew she could get through it.
No is Not Fatal
As you let go of your fear of no, you gain the freedom to ask for things. She knocked on doors for different reasons, like political campaigns, and cold-called for charities. Then she started asking out cute strangers she met. A negative response was the norm, but hearing it in low-stakes scenarios made it so much easier to handle it in more important moments. Smaller rejections can help with a paralyzing fear of rejection. Facing fears repeatedly without serious harm can inoculate you fear.
If someone says no to you, take it as, no for now. If you ask a second time and get another no, then do not bother them again with it. Use your best judgement.
Final Thoughts
When you say no, you assert your fundamental human right to decide how to live your life.
As you get more comfortable saying no, you will become more open to hearing it, and when that happens, your requests lose the feeling of fear that likely came with them prior. They will lose the edge of neediness from the fear of rejection that repels other people. They become relaxed invitations. People will be more inclined to say yes when they know you can be clear about parameters and boundaries. All parties will feel more relaxed and more open to the possibilities.
Homework
Practice saying no in less pressured environments.
If you aren't a fan of the challenge above, I offer you another option. Sit down with someone, take turns asking each other three questions, and responding with no. Thank them when they say no. Sit with it for a minute each time one of you says no before moving on to do it again. That can be a really powerful minute to let the no sit and absorb in.
