Communication
Estimated Reading Time: 9 minutes
Definition
The ability to clearly speak up about your wants, needs, limits, and boundaries before, during, and after a scene. Communication is one of the most important tools for keeping everyone safe and making sure everyone actually gets what they want out of play.
Explanation
The most important thing you can do as a bottom isn't taking the most pain and the hardest hits. It isn't having the darkest bruises. It isn't staying in a suspension longer than anyone else. It isn't having the most experience.
So what is the most important thing?
Communication.
Kink spaces require vulnerability and speaking up for yourself. Kink unexpectedly helped me learn how to communicate much better out of necessity. In these spaces, you will need to be able to communicate your needs, wants, and dislikes. You will need to be able to say no. If you go along and agree to something you know you do not want to do, but do not say anything, your chances of regret go up astronomically. Maybe you did want to do that something, but only go so far with it. You will need to be able to state where your boundaries are because only you really know where your stopping point is. You will need to speak up if something starts to go wrong because only you can feel what you are feeling.
On the other hand, if you desperately want something, but never mention it, how could you possibly ever get it? How do you realistically expect you will get your needs met if they are never vocalized? How could your Top know that you want to try out that fantasy of yours if they don’t know it exists?
Limits
Communication is just about the most valuable skill in kink that you can have. People cannot read minds. More important than taking the hardest hit is telling your Top when it's too hard. They might cause serious damage to you without realizing it because you did not say “when”. More important than staying in a suspension longer than others is telling your Top when you're ready to come down. You could get nerve damage that lasts for the rest of your life. You need to look after yourself.
If you don’t know your limits, that is okay. Say so. That’s an honest answer and something your Top also deserves to know. There may be landmines if you’re playing in uncharted territory and extra caution for what to do if it starts to go sideways will need to be taken.
If you have a new limit, that is okay. Say so. Your limits and boundaries are naturally going to fluctuate over time. You may become more open to trying something new, or you may have had something bad happen that you are no longer open to it. You could recently have gotten a new injury and have a new temporary limit surrounding that.
Saying no
Tops are worried about bottoms not being able to say no, and then being accused of harm after the fact. This is a valid concern.
Practice saying no in less pressured environments. Being at a party with someone attractive who wants to play can make it harder to say no, especially if you were raised in environments where you were expected to comply or not speak up.
Practice in everyday life. Tell your mom you don’t have the spoons or energy to talk. Tell a friend you don’t have the bandwidth to hang out when you have responsibilities. Send food back when it’s wrong.
Saying “maybe later” or “not right now” when you really mean no will only put your future self back in the same position. If you say maybe later, mean it. However, if you are concerned for your safety, and you feel that saying “maybe later” will get you more safely out of the conversation, then please do use this “bar blow off” to get out.
If you truly struggle with the ability to say no, you should seriously consider not playing until you have a better handle on it. It is not safe for you, or for the people you play with.
Tops-
I feel that one of the main jobs of the Top is to try to keep their bottom safe, and one of the main jobs of the bottom is to communicate how. I have been heavily speaking to bottoms here, but communication is just as important for Tops. Lead by example. Bring difficult things up that need to be discussed in a calm manner, where you are both seen as equals in the conversation. Encourage your partner to feel empowered to say no. Provide a safe space for both of you to discuss needs, wants, and dislikes on a regular basis. Read their body language if they are withdrawn or leaning in, how much they are actually participating in the conversation, if they have their arms crossed and seem closed off, or if their eyes are lighting up or going dim. Don’t forget that Tops get to say no, too.
Communication benefits everyone involved. You become more open and connected with your partner or partners. Your needs get met more often. You put yourself in more situations you want to be in and fewer you don’t.
Homework
Practice saying no.
Practice saying yes.
