Boundaries
Estimated Reading Time: 9 minutes
Definition
A personal boundary is a defined limit that you decide on for yourself to protect your own safety and well-being, that is determined by what you will and will not participate in, and what you will do to protect yourself.
Explanation
Boundaries are about safety, capacity, emotional limits, and values.
In kink, boundaries are also often referred to as limits. You may have found a limit during a bad past experience, the activity may be outside of your risk profile, it may be something you just do not think you would enjoy, or a number of other personal reasons.
You are the person who enforces your own limits. You will need to be able to stand your ground and say no to protect yourself. You can not let someone manipulate or bully you into pushing a limit or you may end up in a situation you really do not want to be in.
The more you understand your limits, the less unpleasant incidents there will be. The more you are aware of what you are and are not willing to do and tolerate, and know how to handle those situations, the less scenarios you will be in that you wish you weren’t.
At first you won’t know where your limits are, and that is okay. Your risk profile will be something you will need to develop over time. If you have certain traumas surrounding certain kinks, there will likely be a limit in there somewhere for you. If you think you might hit a limit, give your partner notice so that they can go slowly and try not to go past that limit and cause any/more trauma, as well as make a plan for if things start to go sideways.
Unfortunately, you may need to step on some land mines before you know something is a limit.
Hard & Soft Limits
There are both hard and soft limits. A hard limit is something you are not willing to discuss doing. A hard limit is a dead end, do not pass go. They are non-negotiable, and are not something your partner should try to push you to do.
Soft limits can be semi-negotiable, in the right scenario. They are something you may be open to discussion about, but if so, it should be something that you are wanting to push this boundary with, not something your partner wants you to push this boundary with, and be done in a careful manner.
Boundaries vs Rules
Boundaries are different from rules. Boundaries are something you decide for yourself, while rules are something you implement on someone else. It is the difference between “I will” vs “you must”.
A rule is something that you impose on someone else. A rule could be something along the lines of “you cannot date other people” or “you must not yell at me”. They can be negotiated, consented and agreed to, taken back, and re-negotiated, but it is about controlling someone else’s behavior.
A boundary is something you apply to yourself. Something along the lines of “if you date other people, I will leave the relationship” or “I will end the conversation if I am yelled at” that is focused on if you will or will not participate, and what you will do if not. Boundaries are about protecting yourself, are self-imposed, and self-regulated.
A dynamic collapses the moment rules override someone’s boundaries.
Pushing Boundaries
Limits will change naturally over time. You will likely even want to push some of them yourself at some point.
There is a difference between pushing boundaries in a healthy way, and being manipulated into saying yes. While pushing boundaries in a healthy way can be extremely healing, being manipulated into agreeing to something you do not want to do can leave you with long lasting trauma.
Healthy examples-
- “Did something bad happen, or could having more information ease your mind from it feeling so intimidating?”
- “I know this is new for you, but would you be open to starting very lightly for a minute, and we can immediately stop if you don’t like it?”
- “You said no neck rope, but would the collarbone be okay, or is that still too close?”
- “I’m not asking for you to say yes, I am asking to understand your no.”
- “If we try this, let’s create a safety plan for what to do if it starts to go wrong, with check-ins throughout, and a clear safeword.”
Healthy exploration invites but never pressures, respects a no the first time, plans safety nets, centers around consent and curiosity, and accepts withdrawal without punishment.
Unhealthy examples-
- “If you trusted me you would say yes.”
- “You said it was just a soft limit, so we can push it.”
- “My other partner was fine with it."
- Ignores your silences, hesitations, withdrawn body language
- “But it’s my very favorite.”
- Sulking or withdrawing affection after being given a no
Manipulation uses guilt, comparison, or ego, it reframes discomforts as weakness, punishes refusal, and treats consent like a hurdle to overcome.
Healthy pushing asks,
“Are you curious, and how can we make this safe?”
Manipulation asks,
“How can I get you to say yes?”
Homework
Put thought into what your limits might be around scenarios before you enter them. Think about the realistic possibilities that might happen, and how far you are, and are not willing to take the potential activities. It is harder to decide on the spot if you have not put thought into a decision you may need to make beforehand.
